NYC

SO I am in NYC today and the airlines has lost my luggage. nice. going To some mermaid parade and some other things. I hate days that suck. okay going out.

Dating

You ever feel like an artist with nothing to say?
I know how to paint, sculpt, write, sing, cook but what do I do? I don’t know how to express myself through any medium except perhaps storytelling and sex. I can even see the stories I want to write down but either I don’t have them clear enough in my head or I can’t kick them out for some reason. I don’t know. I think I might release some of them onto this web site knowing fairly well that no one will ever read them. But of course with no feedback what’s the point?
I loved this girl once so much my insides ached. She wanted to try dating girls so I introduced her to my friend. My friend would not let her hang out with me. I let her go (as if she was mine to lose) I guess more correctly I backed away they last only so long but her relationships with girls continued. Her relationship with me got distant. I remember writing a poem about her perfume. I know that several people loved her or though they loved her as much as I did. I don’t know if what I was feeling was love though. She has this amazing ability to see right into you. She might deny this, which may mean that she is more a mirror into your own soul. A mirror cannot judge it can only reflect. Okay she is not a god and I should not put characteristics on her that are super human.
I will say this she was a very serious child. She is very in her head. She knows what I am thinking and if love is not what I felt then it is approval, and the only thing I could have wanted in this world was approval. The other thing is that she is attractive and I don’t say that to mean hot. I mean that she has a magnetic pull about her. And you have a period of withdraw after she leaves. The question is why should you care. I talk about the one in a hundred girl, the girl you have to go through 99 lesser girls to meet. One girl that stands above the rest. Well this girl was a one in a thousand. The more people I meet the more I think she is once in a lifetime. But the problem with the “one in a” girls is that the timing has to be right. If you are dating someone else it wont work cause breaking up for her will push her away. If she is dating someone else then breaking her up will push her away. So you miss out but if you don’t date you will spend your life alone and out of practice. Pretty soon you will forget how to date and you aren’t that good looking now and time is not your friend.
So when a one in a Thousand girl comes along she makes you think what if I never get this chance again? The longer you go with out meeting another one the more you begin to think what if I never meet another and what if the timing is wrong again, or what if I am only a one in a hundred guy or worse what if I am one of the 99 percent? Did I let her slip away? Did she ever really like me?
Also do I need to be the alpha male to get the good one? Do I need to fight for the one for me? I think I’m gonna go kick some puppies now.

Pat

Cheating vs Love

Sunday, June 13, 2004
love?cheating?

So why is it that I that I meet this girl who was totally hot at the bar last nite. I just sittin there with some friends and she is like a friend of a friend of a friend and she moves into the booth. talks to me al nite like pretty exclusively. She's like really smart, really hot, and can hold a great conversation. right so far so good.
I think she's really cool right. I'm thinking this girl would be great to take to the coffie shop or the movies. Like all the guys in the bar are trying to get her attention but she's just locked onto me. So at the end of the n ite she's like "oh by the way I have this boy friend that i really love and I cheated on him should I tell him? " Okay so like I'm really get the vibe that this is some kind of test which I don't like. Like first of all if your gonna feel guilty "dont cheat!". second is like if not telling him is going to break you apart then dump him and just tell him you grew apart. Telling him is a transfurance of guilt. your guilt you deal with it. Or how about this. be truthful all the way before you cheat. if your gonna sleep around or think you might say that! bla bla bla okay enough!
so the basic deal is I don't like being tested. I really just wanted to chat with this girl. Maybe take her to the movies. there is nothing there that her boyfriend should have a problem with. Unless she has some twist on what she wants from me. if it is gonna make her feel guilty she she shouldn't do it. suck's cause she had quite a brain.
oh yeah it didn't hurt that every guy that walked by tripped looking at her rack. She probably talked to me because I could actually maintain eye contact.

6-7-04

so Here goes a new venture! Happy Day to me. well just see.
Pat